Hi, Gary Stringer here!
You may remember me as the frontman of Reef in the 90s, but regular Pin Ups fanzine readers will know that I am now a Hollywood big shot churning out blockbusting scripts. I’ve been charged with writing the scripts for the crop of new movies that are starring old bastards who by rights should be dead by now.
My instructions were to try and make the old bastards seem as young as possible, and with that in mind I checked out some statistics to see which city on Earth had the most ageing population and most shocking health record. I would set my new films in this city to make my ancient leading men look comparitively spry and full of beans! I soon narrowed the list down to 3 – Calcutta, Mexico City…and Glasgow.
Once I heard that Ocean Colour Scene can still sell out the Glasgow Barras the choice was a no-brainer. Glasgow was my choice! So here are my plots for the Old Bastard Extravaganzas.
Indiana Jones and The O2 Academy of Doom
After all the usual antics involving running around after Nazis for reasons you can’t remember, Indy finds himself in the perilous Glasgow O2 Academy of Doom. His mission is to sneak into the NME Tour and use his mobile phone to film The View doing “Same Jeans” - without getting flung out. It’s a constant battle of wits. First he has to get through security without having to take off every last shred of clothing he has on. Then there’s a stirring scene at the bar where he proves he’s still a tough guy by getting served after just 27 minutes.
There follows a glorious montage of Indiana sidestepping pools of vomit, turning a Nelson to all the glamorous indie jailbait that’s clearly far too young for him, whipping pasty neds from Fife who try to steal his hat, and negotiating the slippy steps to the stage without falling on his arse. The film ends with a gripping battle between Indy and The Automatic’s hyperactive keyboard player. In a knowing nod to a famous scene of yore, the keyboard player vaults the drum kit, climbs the amps and swings his microphone around. Indy watches coolly and then shoots him.
John J Rambo
In an attempt to inject the Rambo franchise with the same gravitas and dignity as “Rocky Balboa”, “Rambo 4″ is to be renamed “John J Rambo”. Rambo’s Vietnam commanding officer Colonel Trautman is being held prisoner in the Main Hall of The Garage in Glasgow, dancing to “I Touch Myself” at gunpoint whilst being preyed upon by fat spotty teenage girls. It’s a race against time as Rambo is parachuted into the bottom of Renfield Street at 10.30pm on Saturday night. He must get to The Garage before 3am, when the Colonel is scheduled to be taken home by a fat munter.
In incredible scenes Rambo scraps his way through at least 4 hen nights while running 3 Fire Engines Limos off the road with his bare hands. Surviving on just chips and curry sauce Rambo learns new extreme fighting techniques, including the “Glasgow Kiss”, and cracking opponents with belt buckles and stiletto heels. John J Rambo rampages through Edwards, The Reflex Bar, Jumping Jaks and Campus, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements, and is so horrified by the depravity he has endured he nukes the city centre at the end – “it’s the only way to be sure”.
John C McLean
In an attempt to inject the Die Hard franchise with the same gravitas and dignity as “John J Rambo”, Die Hard 4 is to be renamed “John C McLean”. No expense has been spared by 20th Century Fox for this latest instalment and a grubby vest big enough to fit Bruce Willis has been specially commissioned.
Forest Whitaker reprises Samuel L Jackson’s celebrated role as Zeus Carver, John’s black buddy, and although you spend the first 15 minutes trying to remember if Zeus actually had a lazy eye, you soon forget about it. Rupert Everett plays Grace Gruber, Hans Gruber’s suave and camp cousin who is out for revenge. In a slightly messy mishmash, Grace Gruber hijacks the plots of both Speed and Under Siege, with the result that John C McLean has to get one of those wee rickety City Sprinter buses over the Squinty Bridge in order to prevent Stephen Seagal dynamiting the Renfrew Ferry.